Re conceptualise and re-visualise your life. An exorcism.

BANISH

I’ve been sick for quite a while now, and I keep vomiting. I feel like I’m being pulled in so many directions. I feel like I’m dying. It is my will for this to end. It is my will to banish mltmanifesto.

BANISH
I’m going to count you out of the trance now.
10
What am I good at?
Words and numbers, I’m not so good.
Logic, idea’s, detective work, concepts.
That’s my realm. You shouldn’t push it if it doesn’t work.

9
(when I reach 0 you will wake up and feel refreshed)

BANISH
I can barely spell, and I write like a child.
That kind of kills my chances of ever being a writer, right?
I think I can live with that.
Maybe that’s what caused this personality crash.
I mean, 19 year old Ste was going to be a comic book writer and nothing else.
8
BANISH
I’m not just quitting because I wasn’t good at it straight away. I’m still going to do it, but just for me. A hobby.
I’m not even sure if it’s something which would make me happy.
I think I just wanted it for the lifestyle.
But I’m not playing to my strengths, I just don’t think it’d work.
7
BANISH
When I started this whole thing, I was so fluff. I’ve changed myself in all the way’s I wanted, haven’t I? If I read back, I cringe so much.
I learned things, I understand things. But am I different?
6 You’re waking up now, head towards the light
BANISH
Complete psychological failure at 20. I feel like I did when I was dying on acid by the canal.
I’m 20 today, in my head anyway, I have two birthdays.
5
BANISH
If you ever truly reject control over your life, and become truly free, you’ll come to a point where you think “this is how bad your life can be”. Not because your wife blew away, or your house left you, because of the choices you make. It will be nothing, but you’ll hate yourself, and I think you need that.
4
BANISH, LAUGH, you’re coming up now. Remember to breathe.
This morning I read RAW, for the first time.
The first chapter tells you everything you will ever need to know about Magic(k)/Xtreme-psychology:
Experiment 1:
Believe you will find a pound coin, visualise it, convince yourself. See how long it takes.
Experiment 2:
Believe you can fly, convince yourself, visualise it. See how long it takes.

BANISH, WAKE UP, Coming in for landing, Feel better? (yeah)
3
Each sigil was an invocation of an ideal/god/personality because I wanted to change myself, and it did carry me on a current, and I feel I’ve shook off an old decaying fiction suit for a much more updated one (I reckon I’ll need to do this every five years). For a laugh one sigil was even to win the lottery, I bought a lottery ticket about five weeks later and won a pound. Sigils ALWAYS work.
2
BANISH, CIR-CUL, BANISH, BANISH
(when you wake up, you may feel rested, like you took a long nap, have a stretch. )
Sometimes I’m a prick and that confuses me so much. Why do we have so little control over how we act.
When I was a kid and I was poor I just wanted to grow up and write stories. I used to read 80’s Grant Morrison from my dad’s black and white 2000ad collection. All I ever wanted to do was grow up and write my own “Slaine” or “Judge Dredd”.
I just can’t beat my serotonin imbalance. Drugs don’t work because thoughts and feelings aren’t just chemicals. At the same time you can’t shake these demons off because, they may seem non tangible, but these things are very real chemicals. Every poem ever written, every song ever sung, every great romantic love, was all just a chemical reaction.
I fail at everything I try. So I shoot for the moon every time, because at least then it was worth it. It’s hard to fail at everything.
What does this all mean? I don’t think it means anything. I don’t think being twenty changes anything unless you make it.
I’m happy, I am, I have a great girlfriend and I’m not dying in the gutter of the garden and to me that’s all I’ll ever need. I think we all need a little quarter-life crisis every now and then.
1
BANISH ONE LAST TIME
And laugh.
Are you feeling better?
It’s time to wake up
(and you’re coming up

and stretch, and we’re done)

0
I’m done
I’m out.
I’ll see you in twenty.